For just over three years, between twenty-seven and thirty-one, I had an OKCupid profile.
After moving to the Midwest from the West Coast, meeting people was difficult. As a Texan told me the first night at a bar, “Minnesotans are the nicest people in the world. They will give you directions anywhere except for their house.” I quickly learned it was true.
It was also quickly learned that things acceptable on one coast or another were off-putting here. So, frustrated with too many real-life advances receiving the same wide-eyed smiles the Wal-Mart cartboy with tourettes receives when he screams out incomprehensible obscenities, I sought out sex online. However, to be sure no one would be offended when we met, my profile was made to be as over-the-top offensive as possible. It was misogynistic, demeaning, shallow and vulgar. It sought out casual encounters and nothing else. It inspired hundreds of shocked women to write with angry words before blocking me. However, it also inspired some to seek out the sex for no other reason than the curiosity.
The first was a beast of woman. Over six feet tall, pear shaped with hips like handle-bars. She wrote me after I had just made lasagna and, upon hearing of its greatness, she drove over to sample it. Her pants were removed before even kissing her as she cut out the corner piece and put it on a plate. She sat on the counter and either moaned out of how good the lasagna was or from my tongue and fingers inside of her. She left shortly after a smaller, second slice was eaten without a compliment on the cooking or fellatio. I bleached the counter.
Another claimed to be an employee at an eating disorder clinic. Though, as the drinks progressed through the night, she revealed she was simply its best client. She made out with two other men at the bar before coming home with me. Little of it was memorable or worth noting, save for when she screamed, “I can feel you past my belly button!” It was untruthful flattery, but welcomed.
Then there was the 34 year-old virgin who didn’t disclose her lack of experience until after the attempt at sex fizzled with her refusal to do anything other than lie there. Unresponsive as though I had included necrophilia as a turn-on in the profile. Her virginity was not revealed until after the condom was removed and set on the bed with the unkind statement of, “I guess you could reuse this if you wanted.” It was said through tears and there were few other situations in life I wanted to take back more.
There was the friend with benefits that happened three times a week and lasted one day shy of three months because we agreed anything longer than three months would be a relationship. We also agreed that a relationship deserves a breakup and neither of us wanted to deal with it, so we just never talked again.
Suppose it is to be expected there was the one who talked of childhood trauma during foreplay.
One left after the introductory handshake. Saying, and I quote, “I expected someone with an ego that big to be more attractive.” Leaving before the apology could even be uttered.
There was a very kind woman who ruined it all by being too sweet. Making the first meeting a full day date by getting us tickets to the aquarium, a concert then closing down a bar. When the time came, it is easier to believe it was her kindness that caused my flaccidity than the booze.
And I think that was it. Easily less than a dozen women who shared themselves with me in all that time with my face above those unkind words. Perhaps it doesn’t prove every attempt at online casual encounters work, but it certainly has to give inspiration to anyone out there thinking about trying one out.